Natalie Schriefer

Adjutant

For Riza Hawkeye (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood)

In my dreams I work for you.
Together we share the burden
of paperwork, administration,
correspondence. It’s just like me
to dream about working,
about endless to do lists—
me and my three jobs,
working smarter not harder—

odd, though, is how I can’t speak,
my heart throbbing in my chest
from the weight of the things
I wish I could do—ornament
your shoulders with my arms
as the pauldrons against the pain
we’ve suffered from men—
guardians supposed to protect us.

Your desk is adjacent to mine,
close enough to exchange
whispers, but I have no voice
and the edges of our desks curl
and blur with dream-smoke—
does anyone else occupy
this room? Is it safe to speak?—
I can feel your every exhalation

but not the burns on your back,
the scars I want to trace
with my fingers, knobbed
with calluses of their own.
Maybe I really want to say
the same thing I want to hear:
that we did the best we could
with the information we had,

that we’re strong and smart
and capable and beautiful
despite the things we’ve seen
and been asked to do. The way
our bodies will never forget.
At the end of the day you wish
me a good night, and I nod—
and somehow wake up

feeling a little less alone.