Sean Sidky

On Trying to Eat Through Wikipedia’s List of Sandwiches, In Order

1. They’re American

I fucked up.
I didn’t read the list past like
the third entry and. so,
I didn’t realize
that Italian subs
had their own entry.
This is not my fault.
(This is 100% my fault.)
They’re American.
Italian subs are not Italian.
God damn it.
How was I to know they’d
have their own page.
(I definitely should have known.)

This is — probably —
a good indication
of how this project will go.

2. What Do I Do Now?

I am torn between
my crippling fear of spending money
(see also: grad school)
my anger at having messed this up
(see above)
the fact that I still have half that Italian
(see it in my fridge)
and my desire for more sandwich.

3. The American Sub

I mean
it is what it is.

4. Bacon (UK)

The qualifier here is important.
British bacon is not like
American bacon:
It is clean and tastes like stuff
apart from salt —
in addition to salt.
Obviously because of that
you can’t really get it here.
The closest we get is to embrace
the transformative power of
colonialism —
Canadian bacon.
Which is half of British bacon,
the slightly worse half
(cf. colonialism).
I make up for it here and now
by using the bougiest bread I’ve ever had
from a grocery store
— organic, rustic —
delivered to me by mistake
by a well-intentioned grocery deliverer
who did not understand
that gluten-free means gluten-free,
and that not all middle-class food trends
are interchangeable.

5. Bacon, Egg, and Cheese

One of the more successful
versions of this sandwich have I made
possibly thanks to the bougie bread
(see above)
but then again
it could just be the power I felt
because of the very small
— don’t you worry about it —
fire that I started
in the process.

Interlude: the Wigan Pie Barm

Sometimes in life
your plans are diverted
by factors entirely out of your control.
This is not one of those times.
I chose this path.
I chose to sacrifice the sanctity of
the process
because I learned that a small town
in northern England
puts meat pies on buttered rolls.
And, frankly,
I pity the life I lived
for thirty some years
before I knew this was an option.

6. Bagel Toast

As much as this is what it promises
what it promises cannot help
but be good.
All that matters, it seems
is a pressed bagel.
Visionary.
But because of that, at least
according to the description I read,
there are a wild variety of ingredients
each more confusing than the last,
cf. pizza sauce.
I mean... I’d eat it though.

Interlude: Baloney [sic] Salad

Boy, am I not looking forward to this

7. Baked Bean

Pleasantly surprised to learn
that there was this barrier separating
me from the bologna one.
Unfortunately apparently it required
bread from a can.
Did you know they do bread in a can?
It’s like plum pudding without the plum
A fruitcake without the fruit.
Certainly not what I think when I think bread.
Of course, I don’t usually think: “to the cannery!”
when I want a bread, so, live and learn I suppose.
It was unpleasant.
The beans were good though.
I mean it’s baked beans,
that’s like their thing: they are always
the same. Can bean.
The whole affair was like
Christmas morning if I were a
18th century prospector.

8. Baloney [sic] Salad

Right now I haven’t had the sandwich yet,
but I have tasted the filling.
Remember how a while ago I said that I was not looking forward to this?
I think I spoke too soon.

This is… hmm. Okay, so
you know all the things you like about
tuna salad?
Imagine tuna salad,
without all of those qualities.

Bologna doesn’t really taste like
anything;
it’s certainly not assertive on its own.
Sweet pickles, on the other hand;
mayonnaise, on the other hand…

So imagine, if you will:
slightly briney,
kind of sweet
mayo
with chunks in.

That’s pretty much what we’re working with here.

Not a great base to start from;
now to “let it sit for several hours,
so the flavors can meld” (god…).
And I can’t imagine that “spread thickly”
(already a deeply confronting phrase)
on sandwich bread (such specificity)
will really change the nature of the beast.

Update: I was right.

Semi-permanent Interlude: Pandemics

I had never predicted that
in addition to grad school, crippling
depression, and a series of terrible 
personal tragedies the thing that most
stood between me and success
was a sandwich. 
And yet, here we are
a year later,
unable to find a bahn mi,
and
still having
nightmares
about baloney 
[sic] 
salad.